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Effects of Marijuana on the Carbon-Based Biped

A Rational Scientific Analysis by the PS Guide Institute for High Learning


Weed calms your ass down.

It's really that simple.

The world has never seen a marijuana crazed tree-hugger kicking ass and taking hostages at an inner-city preschool, demanding cases of beer nuts, the release of his incarcerated comrades and offering spontaneous subjective commentary concerning how his opposition may best force varying objects up their respective fundaments. Although the potential amusement factor of such an ostentatious display of misguided bravado goes through the roof like a flatulent superhero, it never happens. Pot smokers are, by and large, nice people with pets and cable television.

Although marijuana has been proclaimed one of nature's "safest substances" by more studies than it would take to prove that sex stimulates an acute desire to smoke a cigarette, pee and change the bedclothes in most people, the rumours of pot's ability to induce insanity, blindness, depression, amotivation, violence and a wazooload of other unsavory conditions still prevail. Although the notion that pot causes infertility, asexuality, homosexuality, necrophilia, hemophilia, acrophobia, arachnophobia, hindsight, insight, loss of sight, apathy, psychosis, concupiscence, sadism, masochism, imperialism, obesity, flatulence and the screaming trots has been dismissed by the public at large, a startling number of people still think of pot as a shifty little catalyst, and the ultimate terminus of goodly endeavors.

The marijuana myth mindset is stems from the propaganda campaigns of the early nineteen-hundreds era "Reefer Madness" movement. The popular rumours, based in racial prejudice and fabricated misinformation, were that Marihuana and its big brother Hashish would ultimately create civil vehemence and rampant crime through its unique ability to spawn vassals of the Devil from law-abiding, otherwise normal citizens who have fallen prey to the Pernicious Demon Weed - Reaper of All That is Pious. Through years of scientific testing and laboratory analysis, the Demon Weed theory has since been discredited as a rootin' tootin' boatload of shit.

The odds of smoking a joint and becoming violently enraged are roughly equivalent to the likelihood of your pet goldfish suddenly mounting your neighbour's golden retriever in an apoplectic fit of passion. Not only would the fish die of asphyxiation, I sincerely don't believe the dog would go for it.

A lethal overdose of marijuana is, by all accounts, physically impossible.

The amount of weed it takes to catch a respectable, productive and cheery high relative to the amount necessary to kill you is 1 to 40,000. To wit, an overdose would require 40,000 times as much marijuana as you needed to get stoned. Comparatively, the ratio for alcohol varies between 1 to 4 and 1 to 10, depending on body weight, genetic disposition, individual fortitude and amount of beer nuts in one's system.

For those naturally inclined toward successfully manipulating numbers in a manner which can be replicated by a person who isn't stoned, the stoned-to-death ratio mathematic equations are as follows. The rest of us shall ignore it and try it later with a few friends and an abacus.

D.O.A. = J2 x 40,000/BwGDIfBn

Oftentimes, marijuana's effects on the body are based on studies done with tobacco. It is indeed true that setting anything aflame and inhaling it into the lungs is not the least bit healthy by any readily accepted standard of association, due to the irritating nature of smoke and the accuracy of the notion that you don't get something for nothing. Ergo, if a health boost is what twaddles your turnips, a leafy salad and a bit of a brisk jog would most likely serve you better than a big fat hooter in a honey dipped blunt wrap.

Tobacco, if eaten in enough of a quantity, will kill you deader than a Gary Coleman's post-pubescent career options. There is enough nicotine in one cigar to kill six people before lung cancer could even get a good toe-hold. If it doesn't kill you, most assuredly thou shalt be stricken with massive vomiting and a hardy case of the trots. Eating enough raw potatoes also has the potential to kill you or give you the galloping hoorahs. The same is true of many foods and over-the-counter medications--eat enough and die amongst much poo and unpleasantry.

Eating enough pot will put you to sleep like a Thanksgiving at the Walton's. It too may give you the shits, but as of yet, no studies have substantiated the "Green Apple Quickstep" theory. The author submits that anyone foolish enough to purposely consume that much weed in one sitting deserves to spend a few hours on the stool reflecting upon the consequences of his actions and the price of Quilted Northern.

Just for the record, a marijuana overdose would require somewhere in excess of sixty-five pounds of fairly-righteous ganja to be consumed in short period of time. If you are so inclined, have the money, are stupid enough and can stay awake after an ounce or so, I say go ahead and make the attempt. Raise ye hell. Best of luck, really. Or you could always use the money to begin a rewarding career in real estate.

The point is, marijuana won't kill you. It might make you giggle. It will probably make you hungry. You might want to hug somebody, but it won't be the seed of your demise, lest it be from cholesterol poisoning or consequential damages caused by a previously unregarded chemical found in Ho Ho's. It won't make you a violent or irrational person. It isn't chemically addictive.

It's a damn flower.

The following is a list of deaths by substance for 1990. Skip it if you think it will bring you down and depress those around you by a supernatural effluence of negative vibes.

According U.S. Surgeon General's Information
(We KNOW all government information is, of course, tried, true, proven fact; never to be questioned; infallible in all respects; without color or prejudice. Yeah, and I'm a Jesuit porn star with a magic penis that does tricks with fire and dangerous serpents. Bear in mind that most terrocrat information presented with numerical reference is based less in fact than actual scores from various board games available to government staticians at public expense. During the course of a game of, say, Monopoly - which may take an entire fiscal quarter - pork futures, arms proliferation, unemployment and percentages of Chinese Pandas known to be communists will become known to these mystic staticians. It is a little known fact that the last census was performed on a Beta Version of Doom - The Next Generation, as a step toward modernization in the field.) 
Tobacco 360,000 Legal
Alcohol 130,000 Legal
Prescribed Drugs 18,675 Legal
Caffeine 5,800 Legal
Cocaine 2,390 Illegal
Heroin 2,147 Illegal
Aspirin 986 Legal
Marijuana 0 (ZERO) Illegal

The zero death rate for marijuana in 1990 was reminiscent of the past ten thousand years, give or take an unrecorded millennium. There has never, in all of recorded history, been a documented case of a lethal overdose of marijuana. Please note that pot is almost a thousand times safer than aspirin and almost six-thousand times safer than coffee, according to the numbers. Remember class, zero goes into anything as many times as it damn well pleases


We've switched the coffee this man usually drinks with Mountain Grown THC Crystals...let's watch to see what happens...