© 1997-TEOTWAKI - Chuckles the Sane, f.a.l.  All rights reserved.


Stoned Things For Fun People

Notice:  We deny all responsibility for injury, death, dismemberment, ridicule or any other effect onset by actually attempting any of the asinine actions suggested herein.  We encourage you to refrain from trying any of the projects or suggestions.  We further encourage you to keep it quite to yourself if something does go wrong while attempting any of the suggestions we've so strenuously urged you to avoid.  


The Sodium-B-Line Emission Kosher Lamp

If you are naturally inclined toward expertise with electricity and routinely throw caution to the wind in exchange for cheap thrills and peer acceptance, try this nifty little science experiment.
Locate a useable a bit of lumber.  It may be a bit of sawed off two-by-four or the top of one of your end tables.  However, the revelation that you will be hammering nails into your found lumber may provide doubt as to the viability of any of your living room furniture.  Try to find a small board which has no other obvious obligations.  They tend to skulk about in basements, garages and tool sheds making a general nuisance of themselves until some useful purpose for them is discovered, at which point small boards tend to make themselves scarce.  They usually reappear suddenly and unbidden in conjunction with an absence of usefulness.

Hammer two nails into the board in the same manner that volleyball poles are erected, parallel to one another and perpendicular to the board, about four inches apart.

Find an old extension cord, lamp or anything else from which you may acquire a power cord.  Cut the cord, leaving a long bit of cord and the plug at the end.  Strip the insulation about four inches from the other, non-plug, end of the cord.  Wrap the positive wire on one nail and the negative on the other.  If you do not know which is which, you really shouldn't be mucking about with electricity.

Call your friends and invite them over for the unveiling of your machine.  Throw a cloth over it for the unveiling.  When they arrive, make it your responsibility to ensure that everyone is sufficiently stoned.

Go get the Kosher Dills out of the refrigerator.  Try not to eat them on the way back to the machine.

Perform whatever acts of frivolous fanfare and shameless bids for undivided attention that you feel are strictly necessary for the occasion and yank the cover off your contraption.

Impale a pickled cucumber upon the two nails, forming a sort of cross-bar.  Plug the contraption into a switched-off surge protector and turn off the lights.  Use a flashlight to find your way back if you become disoriented.  Flip the switch on the surge protector and experience the thrill of a Super-Thrill-O-Matic Pickle Party Lamp.

When you've stopped giggling or the fuses in the house are all popping, unplug the machine.
  ...more to come...